Gloria's Guy Read online

  Poor Guy. He may never speak to me again.

  gloria: Maybe that’s a good thing. What was he doing?

  jessie: Helping me out. Such a sweet man.

  gloria: (sarcastically) Sure.

  jessie: No, really. He’s been so helpful this weekend. He’s not just excited about his niece’s wedding. He seemed really glad to hear about everyone who was coming. Especially you.

  gloria: Me?

  jessie: Oh, yes. Asked all kinds of questions about you. When would you be arriving? What you’d be doing.

  gloria: Guy? Asking questions about me? I find that a little hard to believe, Mrs. McConnell. Guy has hardly acknowledged my existence these last twenty some years. I doubt he’d care about me being here this weekend. He can hardly stand to be in the same room with me.

  jessie: Think what you like, Gloria, but that is an interested man if I ever saw one. Now, I’m gonna take this sewing machine into the bedroom as there’s a desk in there right under the window with lots of light.

  gloria: Here, I’ll carry it for you.

  jessie: Thanks.

  jessie looks over the wedding dress.

  I hope he didn’t break the stitches. By the way, Gloria, did you bring a bathing suit?

  gloria: Yes.

  jessie: Good.

  They exit stage right into the bedroom just as peggy crosses in front of the window with eva.

  peggy: (entering) Her car’s still down front. She’s probably still here.

  peggy crosses to gloria’s room with eva, a middle-aged woman who dresses as if she’s still in high school and has outrageously coloured hair. She carries her purse, her bag, and a cooler.

  Gloria! Look who’s here.

  eva: Gosh, Peg, girl! You were right. This place looks exactly the same. In fact, I think that’s the same blanket I threw up on twenty years ago! I’m calling dibs on that one. Just in case.

  She walks over to the counter and begins unloading her cooler — wine bottles, coolers, a bottle of tequila, lemons, and a six pack of beer.

  Hey, any glasses?

  peggy: I brought some in a bag . . . (looking around) which I must’ve put in that room.

  eva starts toward the bedroom stage right.

  No! I’ll get them.

  At that moment gloria comes out of the bedroom.

  gloria: Eva the Diva!

  gloria crosses to embrace eva.

  My God! Look at you. You look . . . exactly the same.

  eva: I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not! My kids complain that I never change my look. But why spoil a good thing, right? But you — you look awesome.

  peggy comes out from the bedroom with the glasses and closes the door behind her.

  So are you two grabbing that room?

  gloria: Actually, I put my stuff in that room. I was just in there helping . . .

  peggy: (suddenly and loudly) I think we all look pretty damn good, given what we’ve been through.

  They look oddly at her. peggy hands the glasses to eva, who heads to the counter to open a bottle of wine.

  eva: I’ll drink to that. You have no idea how much I was looking forward to this weekend. We’re gonna have a blast! No kids. No husband! Just the six of us sittin’ round the hot tub, talkin’ old times, catchin’ up on gossip, drinkin’ our brains out. Hey, maybe we can even do each other’s hair tonight. I brought a couple of rinses with me. I was thinking of going blue. That would scare the hell out of the kids. And Steve.

  eva lifts her glass in a toast.

  Who wants to do it with me?

  They grimace.

  No takers, eh? I bet Sheila will! Is that her in the other room?

  She starts to cross.

  peggy: (quickly) Actually, Sheila had to cancel. Sick child.

  eva: (disappointed) Ah, hell! Sheila’s not coming? That sucks.

  gloria: Francie sent regrets as well. Something about a shift change at the hospital.

  eva: Crap! The Stick’s still comin’ though, isn’t she? I mean, it’s her birthday! I’m countin’ on her for tons of gossip this weekend. Everyone who’s anyone eats at her restaurant these days!

  peggy: Oh, yeah. Leslie’s heading up later tonight.

  eva: Great. So did you call any replacements? Or is it just the four of us?

  The sound of a sewing machine is heard from the bedroom. eva looks at the door of the room, then at peggy.

  Please don’t tell me Allison Beasley’s in there. Please not her.

  peggy: No! I’d never call her without clearing it with all of you.

  eva: Thank Christ! Jeez, who the hell is the mystery guest?

  eva crosses quickly into the doorway of the bedroom before peggy can stop her. The sewing machine stops.

  Oh. Hello, Mrs. McConnell.

  jessie: Hello, Eva.

  Slowly backing out from the bedroom, eva turns and hisses to peggy.

  eva: You brought your mother to our pyjama party?

  peggy smiles weakly and downs her drink. Lights out.

  Scene 2

  The lights come up on the boathouse suite later that evening. The curtains on the upstage window are closed. There is evidence the pyjama party has started. The ironing board is gone and the bar has been used. There are several magazines strewn over the couch. A putter leans up against the wall outside gloria’s bedroom. jessie, now in a long housecoat, is sitting on the chair searching through her purse for a nail file. Just as she is attending to her broken nail, there is a loud knock on the door. Startled, she sits up, reaches for her purse, and attempts to hide it in various places until she spies the refrigerator and puts it inside.

  jessie: Coming . . . Just a moment . . . Be right there.

  She opens the door to find guy standing in the threshold looking sharp dressed in a sports jacket and dress pants. He carries a pie plate covered in foil and a bag of plastic plates and forks.

  Oh, it’s you. You scared the devil out of me.

  guy: Sorry, Mrs. Mac.

  guy looks around.

  Uh, where is everybody?

  jessie: They’re down in the hot tub.

  guy: Oh.

  jessie: Don’t worry, they’ll be back. Well, don’t you look much improved. I’m glad to see you took my advice.

  guy: I’m just coming from the rehearsal dinner. Pat had a ton of extra food left over so she sent up this pie for your soiree. There’s plates and forks in the bag. Where should I put it?

  jessie: Oh, how nice! What kind is it?

  guy: I’m not sure. There were three or four left over. I just grabbed one.

  jessie: Put it on the coffee table. We just finished dinner, but I’m sure we’ll make a dent in this when the girls get back. So have you come with a game plan?

  guy: What?

  jessie: A game plan? A master idea? How you’re gonna get your talk in with Gloria?

  guy: I’ve been thinking about it, Mrs. Mac, and I really don’t think it’s gonna happen. Not this weekend, anyway. Maybe another time.

  jessie: If not this weekend, when? You may live here now, but Gloria doesn’t. She rarely comes home anymore. Her dad moved to Florida. Charlie’s parents are gone. Occasionally she visits the family cottage in summer, but that’s clear on the other side of Whistle Lake. When do you expect to see her again? On the off chance she’s walking down Main Street two years from now? She has no reason to be in Woodsville. But I bet she’d visit if you gave her a reason.

  guy: What am I supposed to say? Gee, Glory, it was great seeing you. Why don’t you drive all the way back up here again next weekend so we can nod heads at each other? That’s always so much fun!

  jessie: Find something to do with her.

  She looks around, spying gloria’s new putter.

  Here. Gloria just bought
this when she and Eva went into town this afternoon. She’s dying to use it. She loves to golf. You golf, don’t you?

  guy: No.

  jessie: What do you mean, no? What lawyer doesn’t golf? And a Californian one at that?

  guy: Okay, I’ve golfed, but I’m not that great at it. It’s a very expensive sport and it takes a lot of time. I worked in a law firm, not on a golf course.

  jessie: I thought all you guys took your clients out to those fancy golf clubs just so you could close a few deals.

  guy: Look, Mrs. Mac, I worked in probate. I helped people write their wills. The last place they wanted to be when deciding who gets what was on a golf course. Nothing like a reminder that while the rest of the world would be enjoying sunshine and fresh air, they’re gonna be six feet under. Besides, Gloria was always a way better athlete than I was anyway.

  jessie: Perfect! That’s your in.

  guy: Huh?

  jessie: Ask her out to golf tomorrow morning. Show her how pathetic you are. She’ll immediately feel sorry for you and insist on coming back next weekend to give you some lessons.

  guy: (grimacing) I don’t know.

  He takes the putter and practises a few putts.

  jessie: The girls’ll be back soon. Can you come up with something better?

  guy: Look, she won’t want to golf with me.

  jessie: Nonsense. I heard her lament to Margaret Anne that she went out and bought this new putter but she won’t even get a chance to use it. The others cancelled and, trust me, Gloria will not be keen to spend the morning alone with Eva, even if it is on a golf course. There’s only so much any of us can listen to about husband number two. So all we have to do is get Eva out of the way and then you can spend the morning out on the links with Gloria Atherly.

  guy: How do you propose to stop Eva from coming with us?

  jessie: Switch Gloria’s tee-off time from ten to eight. Say there was a mix-up of some kind. There’s no way Eva will be out of bed and functioning at eight a.m. I’ll make sure Gloria is downstairs and waiting for you bright and early.

  She pushes him toward the door and opens it.

  Now go. The girls’ll be back any minute. Come back and apologize for the time change and offer to go with her. She’ll hardly refuse in front of the others. Besides, she’ll take head-nodding with you over Eva’s complaints any time.

  Giggling bubbles up from outside.

  Oh, no. They’re back. You need to make an entrance. Hide.

  guy heads for the bathroom, putter in hand.

  Not in there. That’s the first place they’ll go. Quick! In here.

  She points to her bedroom and pushes him inside.

  I’ll get you out as soon as the coast is clear.

  She pushes him in, turns, and sees the pie. She retrieves the pie, scurries back, hands it to guy, and closes the bedroom door just as the girls are opening the front door. They have been in the hot tub and are slightly giddy. eva has a bath towel wrapped around her and carries her wet bathing suit, a plastic glass, and an empty wine bottle. The others wear sweatsuits or jogging suits and carry towels and empty plastic glasses.

  peggy: (laughing) God, Eva, I can’t believe you did that. And with such ease. Did you see the look on their faces?

  gloria: See it? I thought I was gonna have to lift the groom’s jaw up from the side of the hot tub so she could get out. You’re still outrageous, Eva, even at this age.

  eva: What? You’ve never wriggled out of a bathing suit before?

  gloria: Not in front of four twenty-year-old males.

  peggy: Well, not lately, anyway!

  jessie enters but stands guarding her door.

  jessie: What have you girls been up to?

  The women turn suddenly to see her.

  peggy: Oh, Ma, you should’ve come with us. There we were bubbling away in the hot tub when suddenly Kerry’s fiancé and his groomsmen arrived. I guess the rehearsal dinner was too dull for them. Well, it’s really dark and hard to make out faces so Eva says in a Southern drawl . . .

  She looks at eva to continue.

  eva: Sorry, gentlemen, we weren’t expectin’ company tonight, so we three ladies are in here . . . naked. We could probably squeeze you in, but if we’re in the buff, then you’ll have to be too.

  peggy: So these four guys look at each other really sheepishly and then one of them, I think it’s the best man, says, “What the hell!” He throws down his towel, strips out of his suit, and climbs in. Just like that! The cheek of the kid. Not to be outdone, the others followed, except Kerry’s fiancé was a little hesitant.

  gloria: It didn’t help that you called him by name.

  peggy: “Why hello there, Bobby Seyfert; how’s every little thing with you?”

  gloria: And he’s squinting in the dark saying, “Is that you, Mrs. Wayburn? Jeez!”

  peggy: Anyways, he takes enough kidding from the others and suddenly yanks off his suit and in he comes. So there’s this awkward moment of settling in and Bobby feels the need to introduce everyone. There’s Glory and me trying to stay scrunched below the water, nodding and shaking hands when suddenly Eva says . . .

  eva: (in her Southern drawl) “Ladies, I think I’ve had quite enough. We don’t want to turn into prunes in front of these charmin’ young men, now do we?”

  peggy: At which point, Gloria and I stand up . . .

  gloria: Fully swimsuited . . .

  peggy: And climb out of the tub. Well, you should’ve heard the shouts coming from those guys. The whining! Then, in this little lull, Eva stands up buck naked and says à la Blanche DuBois:

  eva: “I have always relied on the kindness of strangers. Which one of you fine young gentlemen is gonna help me climb out of this little ol’ hot tub?”

  gloria: They were so stunned. Didn’t know what to do!

  peggy: Deer in the headlights! One of them finally stood up to help her. Which one was it?

  eva: The first one. And trust me, he’s not called the best man for nothing!

  The women roar with laughter.

  peggy: And then she added fuel to the fire by slapping her hands together —

  eva demonstrates.

  — implying that he was putting his hands where he shouldn’t. Scared the hell out of him! We could still hear Bobby berating him even as we climbed the stairs just now.

  They continue to laugh.

  What I don’t understand is how you got out of your suit so fast?

  eva: Easy. While you all were shakin’ hands, I just shimmied out of it. Comes from experience, I guess.

  They look at her.

  Haven’t you ever changed your clothes in the car?

  peggy: Sure.

  eva: While driving? It’s a fine art, trust me.

  jessie: I’m glad I wasn’t there. God knows what damage would’ve been done to those boys if I had participated.

  The girls look at her and then laugh.

  eva: Who wants another drink?

  gloria: I want to change out of this wet suit first.

  She goes into her room.

  peggy: Me too, and I’m gonna switch to some soda water for a while. Sitting in the hot tub has made me really thirsty.

  They start to cross to their rooms when jessie suddenly calls out.

  jessie: Is there any more tea, Margaret Anne?

  peggy: I don’t know. I made you a pot before we went downstairs. Did you drink the whole thing?

  jessie: I don’t remember.

  peggy crosses to the counter.

  peggy: The pot’s still pretty heavy. I’ll pour you some more. Where’s your mug?

  jessie: Right here, dear.

  jessie brings her mug to peggy, and as soon as the tea is poured she quickly guides peggy to the bathroom.

  You should go into the bat
hroom and take off that wet bathing suit. Rinse it out right now. Nothing’s worse than that chloroform smell.

  peggy looks at her mother.

  peggy: Chlorine, Ma.

  jessie: That too.

  She pushes her daughter inside.

  I’ll get your pyjamas for you.

  jessie turns and sees eva at the bar.

  Eva . . . you haven’t seen the bridesmaids’ dresses yet, have you? Oh, they’re lovely. I’ll just get one to show you.

  She pushes the door of her bedroom open and we hear a bump.

  Oops! Forgot I put that suitcase there.

  She hurries inside and returns immediately with pyjamas, which she throws into the bathroom, and a bridesmaid’s dress.

  peggy: Hey!

  jessie: Sorry, dear.

  She hurries the bridesmaid’s dress over to eva.

  Isn’t it just a lovely colour? I don’t think Gloria has seen this either. Here.

  jessie grabs eva and takes her over to gloria’s room. She knocks.

  Just us, Gloria.

  She opens the bedroom door.

  I was just showing a bridesmaid’s dress to Eva and thought you should see it too. Why don’t the two of you look at it in here?

  She thrusts eva and the dress inside, closing the door. She then turns her attention to her bedroom door and rushes over to open it.

  Quick, get outside.

  guy comes out with a rather flattened pie that jessie motions for him to get rid of. He puts it back in the bedroom and then starts toward the front door, which jessie has opened. Just as he’s about to go out, peggy calls from the bathroom.

  peggy: You were right, Ma.

  jessie pushes guy, hiding him behind the opened door so he is up against the wall of the cabin. She stands in front of it to hide him.

  peggy enters shaking out her wet bathing suit.

  My suit reeked of chlorine. I should’ve brought a little bag of detergent with me.

  peggy stops, seeing her mother in the opened door.

  What’re you doing?

  jessie: Just looking at the lake. It’s really lovely this time of year.

  peggy: Ma, it’s pitch black out there. If it wasn’t for the porch light, you couldn’t see two feet in front of you.